I feel like I'm still living a nightmare, but at least I'm starting to remember what happens after we have a bad dream. This is a nightmare alright... But nightmares end, don't they?
God says plainly that we see through a glass darkly, and that His ways are not our ways. Just because I can't understand doesn't mean there is no plan. I'm not going to start playing the "why game" at this point. Its useless, because I'm not God, I'm His creation. He does not have to explain how He uses what He makes. He does promise that He loves us and that there is a reason for our anguish. A reason He will reveal to us in His good time.
That being said, sometimes I think of ONE possibility. What if one man or woman, spends eternity with God because of Karlee's early passing. What if, out of all my sufferings, and all the tears that have seeped from my soul since we lost her, What if one soul finds its peace in Him, because of the relative shortness of her life? What if God asked me directly, "Brian, would you be willing to let Karlee return to Me early if I could use it to bring one more human spirit back to Me? Would you accept even years of suffering and anguish, of crying yourself to sleep and waking up to countless mornings of mourning? Would you be willing to live in the pit of despair for a few earthly years if it kept one soul from eternal suffering?" I would have to answer, "yes God, if thats what it takes. If one soul makes its way back to you for all ETERNITY, but I have to live without Karlee for just a little while, do it Lord, just do it. "
But Lord, if this is how it must be, you'll have to carry me. When my time in the pit is through, when its time for the mourning to turn into joy, or even peace, You'll have to reach down and pull me up from the pit, because I will have nothing left. Your strengh will have to be made perfect in my weakness, and on Your wings I will have to return.
Dear friends, I have been in that pit since that Saturday I found my beautiful Karlee. But God will lift me out, and lift my family out...as He has promised. And if this is the way it has to be in order for God to lift others out of an eternal pit, then I must bow my head and rest in His word until I see the beautiful white wings of His dove of deliverance. God haste that day.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
How Can It Be A Year?
August 4, 2008
Dear Family and Friends:
Our wonderful Karlee has been gone for almost a year now. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long since our last hug. How could I have gone a year without saying “Good night Karlee, I love you”, and hearing her say faithfully, “I love you too Dad”?
For those of you who had the chance to know her, I don’t need to tell you how quietly special and sweet she was. She had so much love in her heart and so much to give. Karlee’s beautiful blue eyes were so full of light. It’s been hard for me to find my way without her. I have wandered though many dark times since that terrible Saturday morning when she was taken away without warning. Lightening struck before the storm appeared and I couldn’t protect her from dangers I could not see.
A year ago today I drove Karlee and Chelsey to camp along with the other teens from our church. When I returned five days later in the church van, Karlee was standing alone on a little hill. She had not seen me coming and I surprised her. She laughed, telling me how earlier in the week she had slipped on that same spot, rolling down the hill and covering herself in the Pennsylvania mud. It had been, she said, the best week of her life. She was fourteen. Within twenty-four hours she would be gone from our sight.
At her funeral we played the Chris Tomlin song, “Your Grace is Enough”. Grace will sustain us until that day when I approach Karlee on another hill, in another realm, and see her beautiful new eternal body. On that day, I will not surprise her. She will be waiting for us with her shy and beautiful smile. We will never again have to say goodbye. God haste that day when our faith shall be sight.
We have established a Church Camp and Activity Fund in her name. It will be used in the future to help other kids who need financial help with church-sponsored activities. Karlee’s fund will be administered through our church, the Marley Park Church of the Nazarene. Already, it is being used to send a special girl to camp this year. That will make Karlee smile.
I thank all of you for loving Karlee. Her birthday is November 15. She would have been sixteen. If you would like to help with this project please make the checks payable to:
Marley Park Church of the Nazarene
7741 Baltimore-Annapolis Boulevard
Glen Burnie, Maryland 21060
Attention: “Karlee Marie Andrews Fund”
With Love Always
Dear Family and Friends:
Our wonderful Karlee has been gone for almost a year now. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long since our last hug. How could I have gone a year without saying “Good night Karlee, I love you”, and hearing her say faithfully, “I love you too Dad”?
For those of you who had the chance to know her, I don’t need to tell you how quietly special and sweet she was. She had so much love in her heart and so much to give. Karlee’s beautiful blue eyes were so full of light. It’s been hard for me to find my way without her. I have wandered though many dark times since that terrible Saturday morning when she was taken away without warning. Lightening struck before the storm appeared and I couldn’t protect her from dangers I could not see.
A year ago today I drove Karlee and Chelsey to camp along with the other teens from our church. When I returned five days later in the church van, Karlee was standing alone on a little hill. She had not seen me coming and I surprised her. She laughed, telling me how earlier in the week she had slipped on that same spot, rolling down the hill and covering herself in the Pennsylvania mud. It had been, she said, the best week of her life. She was fourteen. Within twenty-four hours she would be gone from our sight.
At her funeral we played the Chris Tomlin song, “Your Grace is Enough”. Grace will sustain us until that day when I approach Karlee on another hill, in another realm, and see her beautiful new eternal body. On that day, I will not surprise her. She will be waiting for us with her shy and beautiful smile. We will never again have to say goodbye. God haste that day when our faith shall be sight.
We have established a Church Camp and Activity Fund in her name. It will be used in the future to help other kids who need financial help with church-sponsored activities. Karlee’s fund will be administered through our church, the Marley Park Church of the Nazarene. Already, it is being used to send a special girl to camp this year. That will make Karlee smile.
I thank all of you for loving Karlee. Her birthday is November 15. She would have been sixteen. If you would like to help with this project please make the checks payable to:
Marley Park Church of the Nazarene
7741 Baltimore-Annapolis Boulevard
Glen Burnie, Maryland 21060
Attention: “Karlee Marie Andrews Fund”
With Love Always
Monday, January 14, 2008
Off to Germany
There's alot to be said for having a large family. Well, I only have two siblings, my brother Dave and my sister Judy. But I have LOTs of first cousins, fifty or something like that. I'm starting to get them confused with my cousins's KID'S, so I lost track of the exact number a long time ago. And even though I have only two neices and two nephews, all four of them have it going on. Which leads me (FINALLY) to why I'm in Baumholder, Germany.
My nephew Chris is a Captain in the US Army, (as opposed to the Russian Army or the Army of the Phillipines.) He's stationed here in SW Germany honing his skills for a second trip to Iraq. His wife Mindy and son Luke are here too...And when I say Mindy is here I mean she's REALLY here. You can't miss her cause she's 14 months pregnant. She says there's only one baby in there but it must be one BIG baby. Because even though she's still as beautiful as ever, her belly is ready to get on with this thing.
Anyway, I guess you CAN miss Mindy because HER mother-in-law and MY sister Judy missed her enough to cross the Atlantic on Saturday for a one month visit. (Well I think Judy missed 19-month old Luke just a little too, maybe even Chris) Which leads me to why I'M here in Germany...I came along with Judy to make sure she didn't get lost on the way. Who knows where she would've ended up...We flew in to Frankfurt, arriving Saturday morning. Chris, Mindy, AND Luke, got up at 3am to meet us there. Pretty impressive I think. Even though it turns out that Mindy only came along just in case she had the baby that day..After all, we passed right by the hospital Baby Bee (thats what she calls it) will be born in. It would've been ashamed to waste an extra trip.
On to the highlights. Saturday activities were limited to a nice dinner not far from Chris and Mindy's apartment. But on Sunday we managed to drag Judy out of bed (she is no help at all with Luke and would've slept away at least her first week in Europe.) and went to see Burg Lichtenberg, a really groovy medival castle (aren't they all medival) not far from the town of Kusel, a half hour away from the base here at Baumholder. I'll have some pictures of that trip posted soon and they're good photos, mostly because it was a BEAUTIFUL day with just enough medival mist to make the whole day a little spooky. And the other reason they're good photos is that Luke was there and he makes cute faces. Especially when he's ready for the WC.
Okay and then we came home and slept and stuff. (and even though I couldn't sleep well I was lucky because the NFL playoffs were on LIVE in the middle of the night which gave me something to do.
Today I took a bus to the town of Idar Oberstein. And I can say without doubt now that in Germany the buses DO run on time. To the second as a matter of fact. I had a great lunch in a restaurant at 377 Hauptstrasse called Badischer Hof, just below a five hundred year old church carved halfway up a mountain, which is another story for when I'm not so tired of typing. I had the Spiesbraten, the local specialty. It is cooked over wood and I chose the pork...Real flavorful let me tell you.....Then I did some other things and now I'm tired of blogging and will tell you about it all later...And by the way, I'm going home tomorrow.....Tschus for now....
My nephew Chris is a Captain in the US Army, (as opposed to the Russian Army or the Army of the Phillipines.) He's stationed here in SW Germany honing his skills for a second trip to Iraq. His wife Mindy and son Luke are here too...And when I say Mindy is here I mean she's REALLY here. You can't miss her cause she's 14 months pregnant. She says there's only one baby in there but it must be one BIG baby. Because even though she's still as beautiful as ever, her belly is ready to get on with this thing.
Anyway, I guess you CAN miss Mindy because HER mother-in-law and MY sister Judy missed her enough to cross the Atlantic on Saturday for a one month visit. (Well I think Judy missed 19-month old Luke just a little too, maybe even Chris) Which leads me to why I'M here in Germany...I came along with Judy to make sure she didn't get lost on the way. Who knows where she would've ended up...We flew in to Frankfurt, arriving Saturday morning. Chris, Mindy, AND Luke, got up at 3am to meet us there. Pretty impressive I think. Even though it turns out that Mindy only came along just in case she had the baby that day..After all, we passed right by the hospital Baby Bee (thats what she calls it) will be born in. It would've been ashamed to waste an extra trip.
On to the highlights. Saturday activities were limited to a nice dinner not far from Chris and Mindy's apartment. But on Sunday we managed to drag Judy out of bed (she is no help at all with Luke and would've slept away at least her first week in Europe.) and went to see Burg Lichtenberg, a really groovy medival castle (aren't they all medival) not far from the town of Kusel, a half hour away from the base here at Baumholder. I'll have some pictures of that trip posted soon and they're good photos, mostly because it was a BEAUTIFUL day with just enough medival mist to make the whole day a little spooky. And the other reason they're good photos is that Luke was there and he makes cute faces. Especially when he's ready for the WC.
Okay and then we came home and slept and stuff. (and even though I couldn't sleep well I was lucky because the NFL playoffs were on LIVE in the middle of the night which gave me something to do.
Today I took a bus to the town of Idar Oberstein. And I can say without doubt now that in Germany the buses DO run on time. To the second as a matter of fact. I had a great lunch in a restaurant at 377 Hauptstrasse called Badischer Hof, just below a five hundred year old church carved halfway up a mountain, which is another story for when I'm not so tired of typing. I had the Spiesbraten, the local specialty. It is cooked over wood and I chose the pork...Real flavorful let me tell you.....Then I did some other things and now I'm tired of blogging and will tell you about it all later...And by the way, I'm going home tomorrow.....Tschus for now....
Monday, December 31, 2007
Karlee Marie Andrews...the Truth
Welcome to my first blog....how do you like it so far? This is just a foretaste of things to come, i.e more words.
This is the last day of 2007. Thank God. I want it to be over and I want all the memories since
August 11, 2007 to fade into healing. I pray for that. It was on that terrible Saturday morning that I lost one of the two most precious things in my life, my daughter Karlee Marie Andrews. She along with her sister Chelsey are the lights in my life. They are my life. Perhaps I held onto them too tightly, but that's a parents' natural instinct. I held them desperately tight, because I love them so much.
I started this blog at this time to set the record straight about the reason that Karlee Marie Andrews left this world. According to her death certificate she had three heart conditions that contributed to her death. We were aware of none of them. If I or her mom had known, we would have been willing to sell all that we own and live on the streets if necessary, to try and fix Karlee's heart. But we didn't know. We had no clue, until that Saturday morning when I found her in bed, already gone.
Let me be clear about one thing. Drugs and/or medication had NOTHING to do with Karlee's passing. She was not on medication, and did not use drugs, EVER. No substances were found in her blood. She died of natural causes. The rumor that blood pressure medication was a possible cause was started by me. I mentioned it at the hospital because the county police had found my blood pressure medicine in or near Karlee's room. As Chelsey and I were preparing to follow the ambulance to the hospital, a policeman came running out to the car with the bottle of medicine presribed to me. As it turns out, NONE of the pills were missing, and NONE of the medication was found in Karlee's system.
I told the doctors at the hospital that the police had mentioned the medicine to me...I was in shock and at that point had no idea why Karlee did not wake up. Perhaps Karlee was in pain that night, and perhaps she thought one of the pills would help her. I'll never know. But there was no trace of the drug in her body and and as I said before, no trace of ANY foreign substances in her system. Karee was my sweet, loving, and beautiful daughter who never gave us ANY problems. If I could choose and special order a youngest child, it would have been exactly the gift God gave us when he sent Karlee. She was the perfect second gift to compliment her sister Chelsey. They were different, with different personalities, but I love them both with all the power and depth of a father's love.
One final thing for now....Karlee was happy. We spent the last night of her life on earth together, at Arundel Mills Mall. We ate dinner, she shopped, and we shared a coke and candy bar while watching the movie "Becoming Jane" . We came out of the movie laughing and talking. On the way home she told me that the week she had just spent at church camp was the happiest of her life. She looked forward to her first year of high school and meeting new friends. Before I went to bed that Friday night, I told her what I always told her...that "I love you Karlee". And she replied in her sweet way the way she always did...."I love you too Dad". I'm glad those were the last things we said to each other. And I'm glad for the promise that Karlee woke up with her Heavenly Father, and that she now lives in Heaven, and is waiting for us there.
Well thats the end of my first blog. Brian
This is the last day of 2007. Thank God. I want it to be over and I want all the memories since
August 11, 2007 to fade into healing. I pray for that. It was on that terrible Saturday morning that I lost one of the two most precious things in my life, my daughter Karlee Marie Andrews. She along with her sister Chelsey are the lights in my life. They are my life. Perhaps I held onto them too tightly, but that's a parents' natural instinct. I held them desperately tight, because I love them so much.
I started this blog at this time to set the record straight about the reason that Karlee Marie Andrews left this world. According to her death certificate she had three heart conditions that contributed to her death. We were aware of none of them. If I or her mom had known, we would have been willing to sell all that we own and live on the streets if necessary, to try and fix Karlee's heart. But we didn't know. We had no clue, until that Saturday morning when I found her in bed, already gone.
Let me be clear about one thing. Drugs and/or medication had NOTHING to do with Karlee's passing. She was not on medication, and did not use drugs, EVER. No substances were found in her blood. She died of natural causes. The rumor that blood pressure medication was a possible cause was started by me. I mentioned it at the hospital because the county police had found my blood pressure medicine in or near Karlee's room. As Chelsey and I were preparing to follow the ambulance to the hospital, a policeman came running out to the car with the bottle of medicine presribed to me. As it turns out, NONE of the pills were missing, and NONE of the medication was found in Karlee's system.
I told the doctors at the hospital that the police had mentioned the medicine to me...I was in shock and at that point had no idea why Karlee did not wake up. Perhaps Karlee was in pain that night, and perhaps she thought one of the pills would help her. I'll never know. But there was no trace of the drug in her body and and as I said before, no trace of ANY foreign substances in her system. Karee was my sweet, loving, and beautiful daughter who never gave us ANY problems. If I could choose and special order a youngest child, it would have been exactly the gift God gave us when he sent Karlee. She was the perfect second gift to compliment her sister Chelsey. They were different, with different personalities, but I love them both with all the power and depth of a father's love.
One final thing for now....Karlee was happy. We spent the last night of her life on earth together, at Arundel Mills Mall. We ate dinner, she shopped, and we shared a coke and candy bar while watching the movie "Becoming Jane" . We came out of the movie laughing and talking. On the way home she told me that the week she had just spent at church camp was the happiest of her life. She looked forward to her first year of high school and meeting new friends. Before I went to bed that Friday night, I told her what I always told her...that "I love you Karlee". And she replied in her sweet way the way she always did...."I love you too Dad". I'm glad those were the last things we said to each other. And I'm glad for the promise that Karlee woke up with her Heavenly Father, and that she now lives in Heaven, and is waiting for us there.
Well thats the end of my first blog. Brian
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