Trying to move on

I feel like I'm still living a nightmare, but at least I'm starting to remember what happens after we have a bad dream. This is a nightmare alright... But nightmares end, don't they?

God says plainly that we see through a glass darkly, and that His ways are not our ways. Just because I can't understand doesn't mean there is no plan. I'm not going to start playing the "why game" at this point. Its useless, because I'm not God, I'm His creation. He does not have to explain how He uses what He makes. He does promise that He loves us and that there is a reason for our anguish. A reason He will reveal to us in His good time.

That being said, sometimes I think of ONE possibility. What if one man or woman, spends eternity with God because of Karlee's early passing. What if, out of all my sufferings, and all the tears that have seeped from my soul since we lost her, What if one soul finds its peace in Him, because of the relative shortness of her life? What if God asked me directly, "Brian, would you be willing to let Karlee return to Me early if I could use it to bring one more human spirit back to Me? Would you accept even years of suffering and anguish, of crying yourself to sleep and waking up to countless mornings of mourning? Would you be willing to live in the pit of despair for a few earthly years if it kept one soul from eternal suffering?" I would have to answer, "yes God, if thats what it takes. If one soul makes its way back to you for all ETERNITY, but I have to live without Karlee for just a little while, do it Lord, just do it. "

But Lord, if this is how it must be, you'll have to carry me. When my time in the pit is through, when its time for the mourning to turn into joy, or even peace, You'll have to reach down and pull me up from the pit, because I will have nothing left. Your strengh will have to be made perfect in my weakness, and on Your wings I will have to return.

Dear friends, I have been in that pit since that Saturday I found my beautiful Karlee. But God will lift me out, and lift my family out...as He has promised. And if this is the way it has to be in order for God to lift others out of an eternal pit, then I must bow my head and rest in His word until I see the beautiful white wings of His dove of deliverance. God haste that day.